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Yesterday afternoon there was a dove sitting on the railing out front. I just opened the front door and there it was, just a few feet away from me, if I leaned forward I could probably touch it, and it just sat there, with it's dark rounded eyes, calm, just looking at me. I would say from the corner of its eye but they were too round to have corners.

So I just stood there looking at it. I even said Oh hello! And it just sat there. I shut the door and then opened it again real fast, nothing. It still just continued to sit there and look at me. Sort of like a movie scene or something. Or a cartoon. The reason I kept opening the door was to see if it would startle and fly away, which it didn't. Which means, I can go ahead and take that as a sign. No! You don't understand! Birds are special. And that dove was a sign for me: PEACE. For me personally. Don't laugh. Don't make me get into everything right here with you on this average Thursday morning. Don't make me turn this Thursday into more than it needs or wants to be.


And I do sense a new peace. About alot of things. I'm understanding something new, too. That this brain deal just might be my very last obstacle to overcome. My very last hurdle. And it's a new form of hurdle: it cannot be overcome and done away with. This is something that I am going to have to live with, for the rest of my life. I cannot control it. I cannot pretend it doesn't exist. I cannot walk away from it. What I've been feeling lately about it is some sadness. I never even felt anything about it until recently. It never even occured to me that this would impact me how it has, cause come to find out, it affects not only me, but every situation in my life. My job, the people in my life, everything. It has an effect on everything, even if it doesn't show.

This is outside of my hands and it's not going away. I've had one or two tears trickle down with the words MY BRAIN written on them. A real surprise. I was like, where did THAT come from? Have I ever cried about something to do with my body? Ever? Even as a little girl I never cried or was scared about my surgeries. I cried about my foot but only when the girls teased me.

I'm going to have to find a way to maintain a peaceful outlook on it all. I'm going to learn to laugh at myself more and more. As if I don't do that enough already. But no, look. Look at what I did last night. I was at work, and wanted a slice of pizza, so I left the store and headed towards the food court. In the wrong direction. In the mall I've been working in for almost 2 months now. I completely forgot which way it was. I went blank. I thought maybe I was going the wrong way, so I stopped and turned around and started going the right way, till I questioned that too, and turned around again. Then I finally asked a security guard which way the food court was. I did finally get a slice of pizza. But what I'm saying is, my brain misfires and I can sometimes go blank. Not stupid. Just memory lapses. There is a difference.

Last night I started to tear up about this but then I remembered the dove. So. I'm going to be at peace. And that's that. Feel free to be at peace too, ok? With whatever you need to be at peace about. How about we all just be at peace. Not try to be peaceful, but BE AT PEACE. There is a difference.

I think that's all I wanted to say this morning. I'm still waking up.